


breezeblocks

by niccals



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Other, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Violence, severe and sudden onset schizo/psychotic disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-06 02:10:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21218837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niccals/pseuds/niccals
Summary: One day, Dan Howell was as normal as he could be. The next? He was talking to disembodied voices. Phil, worried for Dan’s mental health, does his best to help him. But sometimes not even the love of your life can save you from what you’re destined to become.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> MASSIVE DISCLAIMER!!!/!:!/!:£:&:!1&2€ i absolutely do NOT claim this is how someone with ANY mental disorder acts. i do NOT believe that a person with schizophrenia or any other related disorder is more prone to any sort of violence or murder because of that. this is simply a work of fiction that has been exaggerated for entertainment purposes.

_That isn’t normal, oh fuck that isn’t normal!_ Dan’s thoughts raced as he watched black sludge seep through the wall and onto the floor. It was antagonising. It came out so slowly, it was smooth despite the occasional clump, and even smoother as it covered the floor below in a puddle. It was gaining in size by the second, as if a black hole was forming. 

_Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck._The sludge was growing in size. It was swallowing the bedroom floor, engulfing the once soft, beige carpet into a mass of thick liquid so black it hurt to look at. Dan couldn’t look away though, he was completely fixated on the substance slowly filling up the room. _It was odd, pretty fucking unordinary_, Dan would say. Either this was real and Dan had ended up in another dimension, or it was imaginary and Dan really needed to be in a psych ward right now. 

Suddenly, there’s a scratch. It’s long and drawn out. Dan whips his head up, trying to find the source of the noise. He stared at the wall intently as he waited for another sound. His eyes began burning like the fires in hell. _Right, blinking._ Dan thought, doing just that, though his eyes still stung slightly. Maybe that bit was from the tears that’d spilled out from just fear alone. He couldn’t focus too much on his eyes anymore as there were more scratches coming from what seemed to be inside of the walls. They were loud. Loud and long and made Dan’s jaw clench and eyes twitch. 

They were unbearable now. It was like dragging a rabid cat across a chalkboard, like scraping the glossy side of paper, like sharpie on wood, except twenty times worse. It was so loud and painful, Dan could almost feel blood trickling out of his ears and down his neck. _Who was scratching? It hurts, fuck. Can they stop? My ears burn. Could they stop? Stop. Shut up. Shut up. Stop fucking scratching! Shut up! Shut up! Please! _

“Dan?” A concerned voice called from outside of Dan’s door. Dan nearly went into fucking shock then and there. The scratching stopped, and the black sludge was nowhere to be seen. In fact, it was now darker outside than it was when he first noticed the sludge. A lot darker. It was pitch black outside the window. _Wasn’t- oh, oh shit. Was I saying that out loud? That’s why Phil’s here, fuck. He’s going to lock me up! I’m bloody insane, aren’t I? _

The doorknob twisted slowly, the door being pushed open at the same pace and a timid face peaked through the open door. Phil. He looked tired; his quiff was messy, glasses skewed on his nose. His eyes were squinted from the light in Dan’s room and he was clad in pyjamas. Dan would say he looked pretty cute right now, but the attractiveness of his boyfriend was the last thing he should be thinking about right now. Not only did the older male look incredibly tired, but also extremely concerned and confused. Dan should feel guilty right now, but he didn’t. Usually he would, he’d feel guilty for just about everything. Why wasn’t he guilty?_ Why don’t I feel-_

“Are you alright?” Phil asked, interrupting Dan’s train of thought. At first Dan nodded, throat feeling dry and his heart pounding.

“Yeah I uh… nightmare.” Dan lied. Was it a lie? It was just a nightmare. That makes more sense. Why else would he see pitch black sludge pouring from the walls? Why else would he be hearing loud scratching inside the walls, so loud he felt blood in his ears? A nightmare, maybe one of those times when he was in a half-awake-half-asleep state. It was probably just sleep paralysis. 

“Oh.” Phil said softly, shuffling his feet. “Do you want me to sleep with you tonight?” Phil asked, rubbing his eyes through his glasses and yawning.

“Yeah, yes please.” Dan answered teetering on practically begging for Phil to stay with him. _Phil will know what to do if I see the sludge or hear the scratching again._ Phil silently nodded, switching off the lightswitch as he made his way over to Dan’s bed, crawling in beside the man and laying down, despite Dan still being sat up almost in a state of shock. 

“Dan.” Phil called, eyes nearly slipping shut, but appearing confused as to why Dan was still sat up. Dan only looked over at Phil, then getting the message to lie down, but not before quickly checking the time on his phone. _05:00, shit._Dan pushed his own concern and confusion to the back of his mind, sliding completely down on the bed, turning on his side. Phil scooted in towards Dan’s back, wrapping his arms around the youngers torso and placing his head into the back of Dan’s neck. Dan nonverbally responded by giving a small push back against Phil, letting out a deep breath. 

_Just sleep, Dan. Now isn’t the time to debunk why you were sat staring at a wall for six hours_. Dan managed to sleep, not easily though and, albeit, far later than Phil had.

The following days were normal despite that one incident. Dan hadn’t heard any painful noises, and he hadn’t seen any liquid pouring from unnatural places. And to keep himself sane; Dan decided that it was just a very bad sleep paralysis episode. There was nothing wrong with him. 

Nothing was out of the ordinary. Just because the thoughts in his head were getting increasingly louder and more disturbing, just because he hallucinated more and for longer seconds, just because he felt like cameras were on him at all times, it didn’t mean there was something wrong. He was overthinking everything, he was just paranoid. Nothing was wrong.

The more Dan looked up his symptoms, every weird thing that happened to him, he became more and more scared and more and more paranoid. _Dissociative identity disorder, paranoia, sleep deprivation, schizophrenia._ That wasn’t him, that couldn’t be him. As much as the obvious symptoms were there, he wouldn’t admit it. He was just Dan. Dan Howell, internet celebrity who was afraid of trees and lived a joyous life with his flatmate. He was socially awkward and made edgy jokes and was infamously annoyed with said flatmate when his cereal was stolen and he was lazy and watched anime and— and sometimes he heard things and saw things and believed things that definitely weren’t real to other people.

Dan decided to wait it out. Everyone hallucinated. Everyone heard noises that really only existed in their minds. He was just like everyone else, he was just overthinking it. Exaggerating everything. In fact, he should disregard the previous events that led to this whole ordeal. 

_I haven’t properly hung out with Phil lately_, Dan thought, already dragging himself out of his bed to find the man in question. As he made his way down the long hallway Dan found the socks on his feet dragging across the carpet to be honestly quite annoying. 

_“Cut them off.”_ A deep voice called, echoing through Dan’s skull. He swore he felt his heart stop. Dan’s body went rigid then as he jerked his head around to examine everything around him in a desperate attempt to find the source of the voice. It couldn’t be the wind, as much as Dan would like to tell himself, as the voice was loud and clear. The doors that surrounded Dan were all closed. No light shone through beneath them. It was that thought that made Dan realize the entire hallway was dark._ Someone’s in here. Someone is in one of these rooms and they’re watching you, they’re waiting to jump you._ That thought scared Dan. So, with his heart pounding, he raced down the stairs, narrowly avoiding tripping and breaking a bone.

It was light downstairs. Dan heard the low noise of a TV, heard movement from the lounge. Phil was down here and Phil was safe. Dan glanced back up the staircase before setting off to find Phil.

Dan entered the lounge to Phil sprawled out on the couch watching some competitive reality show, a bowl of cereal in his hands. Dan decided Phil was more important than fetching himself some breakfast. Dan strode over to the sofa beside the one Phil laid on and sat down, body nearly melting into the soft cushions.

“Oh, hey. You’re up late.” Phil turned his attention over to Dan and setting his half eaten bowl onto the floor below him. “Sleep well?” The elder offered a smile.

“I guess.” Dan reached into the pocket of his sweats on autopilot to grab his phone only to realize he’d foolishly left it upstairs. _Whoever is up there is looking through your phone, posting things. Reading your messages and all of your notes and thoughts._ “What time is it?”__

_ _ “Last time I checked, 11.” Phil replied, then picking up his phone that was face down on his belly to look at the current time. Dan watched his eyebrows raise a little before he spoke again. “Or one. What time did you sleep last night?”_ _

_ _ “I’d say two or three in the morning. Didn’t actually check.” Dan replied. Maybe he knew it was a bit later than ‘two or three in the morning’ but it was close enough and that was something Dan could convince himself of, despite the fact._ _

_ _ “Are you still tired?” Phil asked after seeing Dan let out a kitten like yawn, eyelids drooping a little. Dan’s head rested back into the sofas armrest and he stared up at the ceiling._ _

_ _ “A bit.” Dan replied._ _

_ _ “How about coffee?” Phil offered. Dan’s gaze met his then._ _

_ _ “Like… as in going out?” The younger asked._ _

_ _ “Yeah, I mean if you want. It’ll wake you up more.” Phil said. Dan’s first thought was yes of course, but found his mind leaning towards a more irrational conclusion. _What if the person from before is out there?__ _

_ _ “Okay.” Dan smiled back, repressing the crazy thought._ _

_ _ Both men left the flat a few short minutes later to make their way to their local Starbucks. As they turned the second corner Dan wishes they’d chosen a flat closer to civilisation. Civilisation as in basically just Starbucks, but Dan didn’t want to admit that._ _

_ _ For the whole walk there it’d been silent between the two men. Dan was trying to decipher whether or not it was awkward or comfortable but his thoughts were becoming a bit haphazard, so he ultimately opted to just ignore it._ _

_ _ “What are you thinking about?” Phil suddenly asked. Dans mind blanked then; he glanced over at Phil whom he realised had been looking at him for god knows how long._ _

_ _ “Wishing Starbucks was closer to the flat.” Dan replied and broke eye contact with Phil, spotting the sign for the little coffee shop just up ahead. _ _

_ _ “Speaking of Starbucks being close...” Phil giggled, taking Dan’s hand and dragging the younger at a faster pace. Dan let out a little yelp but smiled anyways._ _

_ _ When both of them arrived in front of the store Phil was the first to push open the door, Dan following behind. Their hands dropped from each other’s grip as they entered. It was quiet with only a few people inside. Dan noted the middle aged man who gave him an irritated glare when the draft of wind from opening the door blew his napkin across the table. Dan ignored him and focused his attention on his boyfriend who was now speaking to a barista, ordering his and Dan’s drinks._ _

_ _ Dan stood beside Phil and noticed how the barista chatted to Phil more than she really needed to. _Just take his order and quit the flirting… Grace_. Dan thought to himself, huffing in annoyance as the lady continued to chat up Phil who was either completely oblivious, didn’t want to be rude, or was interested in her. But Phil loves me, not her, so she doesn’t have a chance anyway. _ _

_ _Dan accidentally made eye contact with the girl who offered him a smile as well. Oh how Dan wanted to yell at her that Phil was his, is his, and always will be his. He wanted to tell her chatting him up was a fruitless effort as the man was queerer than a bag of popcorn for god’s sake. Dan didn’t zone in on the conversation. He tried, he did, but he only heard red and static. Did this random blonde girl, who was 19 at best, really think she had a shot with Phil Lester?_ _

_ _ Dan’s thoughts halted when Grace tried to nonchalantly rest her little hand atop Phil’s. Phil had his hands mindlessly placed on the counter as he chatted to the small barista, and for her to place the tips of her fingers gently atop Phil’s, consciously, severely angered Dan. _ _

_ _ _“Rip her hands off. Rip her hands off. Slice her fingers off. Sew her mouth closed. Off. Get her away.”_ Voices whipped around in Dan’s skull. They were whispering, but the overlapping whispers made him nearly mad. They kept speaking, Phil kept speaking, Grace kept speaking. Dan wanted them to shut up, he wanted everyone to just shut up. His head hurt and he was crazy, he was insane. To resist the overwhelming urge to attack this 5’4 barista, Dan clasped his hands together, his knuckles turning white._ _

_ _ The voices faded in meer seconds but the urge remained, albeit not as strong. His thoughts began clearing up when Dan felt a tap on his arm. He turned his head to look at Phil who nodded his head a bit, motioning for Dan to come along to a booth. Dan followed Phil to a booth in the corner of the building next to a window where they both sat down in opposite seats._ _

_ _ Dan was the first to take a sip of his drink, not wanting to be the initiator of a conversation. Dan felt Phil’s eyes on him as Dan stared out the window and into the busy street outside. _ _

_ _ “Dan, can you look at me?” Phil requested in a gentle voice causing Dan to hesitantly make eye contact again._ _

_ _ “Hi.” Dan said, the corners of his lips curling into an awkward smile._ _

_ _ “Hi.” Phil replied, offering Dan a short lived smile. “Are you alright? As in, like, the past few days?” He then questioned._ _

_ _ “Uh- yeah, just been… tired I guess.” Dan said, insincerity lacing in his words. You would’ve thought after hiding his worsening depression from his literal flatmate, and boyfriend, for the first four years of his relationship Dan would’ve been a better liar; he wasn’t._ _

_ _ “Daniel, are you lying to me?” The elder asked again with a deeper, lower voice. Dan froze up at that, mouth running dry, but still managing to shake his head no._ _

_ _ “I’m not.” Dan breathed out, averting his gaze._ _

_ _ “You’re playing with your hands.” Phil pointed out. Dan quickly looked down, seeing that he was, and quickly pulling his hands away and shoving them under his thighs. Phil had learned a while back that when Dan played with his hands there was a 99% chance he was being dishonest or he was hiding something. “You don’t need to lie to me, I accept everything you are.”_ _

_ _ “I know-” Dan began, forcing himself to look at Phil who was already looking straight at him._ _

_ _ “Then why lie? Have I done something? Are you feeling sad?” Phil asked. Dan bit his lip, carefully thinking about his response. Phil couldn’t know what was happening to him, he loves Phil, he doesn’t want to be alone in a nuthouse._ _

_ _ “I- no, not exactly. I’ve just been off, it isn’t you.” Dan reassured Phil. Being vague was key; be as vague as possible and Phil won’t know something is seriously wrong._ _

_ _ “Off?” Phil questioned, implying that Dan should elaborate._ _

_ _ “Yeah, like- uh,” Dan paused, hearing a faint whisper in the back of his mind. While he wasn’t able to decipher what it said, he knew it was there, as it was beginning to get increasingly louder. _ _

_ _ _“If Phil knows he’ll send you off to a ward.”_ One very young sounding voice spoke from behind him. There were other voices, but those were quieter and all clustered so he really could only make out that young one._ _

_ _ “Dan!” Phil raised his voice. Dan almost jumped out of his skin. He whipped his head towards Phil as at some point he’d drifted his head to the side. Oh god he probably looked crazy; staring at a wall and forgetting reality mid-sentence._ _

_ _ “I’m sorry.” Dan said, trying his best to ignore the whispers clogging his head._ _

_ _ “Is it just a bad day?” Phil asked. Dan noted how his voice was softer._ _

_ _ “I guess.” Dan sighed out. To be frank, he was tired. He was tired and stressed and overwhelmed. He was hearing disturbing voices that didn’t exist to anyone else, he was having urges that’d only been intrusive thoughts before, he was becoming increasingly paranoid, he was deteriorating and didn’t know what to do. He knew he could pass it off as his depression taking a toll on him, but he would always know that wasn’t the case. Plus, it’d only get worse and it would become increasingly harder to mask what was happening to him._ _

_ _ “Should I call your therapist so you can meet early?” Phil asked. Dan considered it for a moment._ _

_ _ “Yeah.” Dan then replied, nodding his head. His consideration was just him attempting to form a coherent thought before it was enveloped by static and faint whispers. He was tired and didn’t feel like fighting through his mind to answer a simple question. This would only do him more good anyways. _ _

_ _ “Do you want to go back home? Are you tired?” The elder of the two questioned.  
His head was tilted like a confused puppy. Dan could only nod in response, smiling weakly at Phil who only smiled back._ _

_ _

_ _ When the two men reached their flat Dan immediately made a beeline for his bedroom. He was tired and he couldn’t get the little whispers to shut up. Their voices were like TV static and he couldn’t even tell what they were saying, only that they were insistent and annoying. Dan had been lying down for 10 minutes at best when he heard his door creak open. Dan lifted his head to meet Phil’s empathetic gaze._ _

_ _ “Hey.” Phil said as he strode over to Dan’s bed, then sat cross legged at the edge of it. He twiddled his thumbs and just stared at Dan for a bit. “I called your therapist.” Phil began._ _

_ _ “Okay.” Dan said._ _

_ _ “She said it was alright if you met tomorrow.” Phil paused then, looking as if he was thinking about something. “Would you want to talk to me about it for now? I can’t give you any solutions but I can listen. If you want, that is.”_ _

_ _ “I don’t know if I can, Phil.” Dan said. “I would but I’m really tired, plus it’s kind of different.”_ _

_ _ “Oh okay, that’s okay. If you change your mind at any point I’m here.” Phil paused and shifted just a little bit as if he was about to get up to leave. “Do you want me to stay in here?” He then asked._ _

_ _ “Sure.” Dan accepted. His brain was like sludge at this point. He couldn’t hear any voices, but his thoughts didn’t make any sense, and he was so tired. So, so, tired. Phil looked like he understood though. To him, Dan was going through another depressive episode. Dan knew how Phil dealt with these situations. Like back in 2013 when Dan was beginning on antidepressants and his depression could only be described as bipolar. Phil would ask Dan questions about his wellbeing in a soft voice and offer all the help and comfort he could. Dan liked that about Phil. He also liked how Phil’s arms felt wrapped around his torso as he hugged him to sleep._ _


	2. Chapter 2

When Dan woke up later that day Phil was fast asleep. The room was dark, only dimly lit by the setting sun creeping its way through the blinds. Dan laid still for a moment, then turned over to where Phil had shifted into a sleeping position on his back. Dan stared, in awe of how pretty he was; as that one was thing Dan thought he could never get over. The moment Phil stirred Dan immediately whipped his body around to pretend as if he was fast asleep. It was a fruitless effort but Dan guessed it was a natural instinct thing. Silence followed, and Dan assumed Phil actually hadn’t woken up. He decided to open his phone, checking the time. _20:02. Had he really napped for five hours?_

As Phil hadn’t woken up yet, Dan decided to get up and be productive or whatever functioning adults normally do. Maybe. Quietly, he dragged his body up and out of the bed, immediately shivering from the cold air breezing over his underwear-clad body. Dan rubbed his arm and pulled on some sweats and a hoodie, slipping socks on lazily, and grabbing his phone before sluggishly making his way out of the room. 

When Dan entered the kitchen he quickly realised something was off, he just couldn’t tell what. It was as if someone was watching him, just waiting for him to let his guard down to strike. Dan stood still and glared at every crack and crevice of the kitchen. He came to his senses, _Dan you idiot, nothing and no one is out to get you_, Dan mentally scolded himself and took a deep breath.

Dan had managed to make coffee without incident. He sat in the living room, scrolling through Twitter while sipping his coffee. It was quiet in the room, almost too quiet. His mind decided that just wasn’t acceptable.

_“Daniel.”_ A voice called from behind him. Dan turned his head so fast he narrowly avoided getting whiplash. 

“Hello? Phil?” Dan replied, setting down his coffee and phone.

_“Dan! Dan, Dan, Dan.”_ Another voice repeated. Dan’s heart sped up. _Fuck, why was this happening to him? Why now? _

“Stop.” Dan rasped out. His chest was tight with fear now, and he whipped his head towards every direction as more voices began.

_“Phil’s dead.”_ One said.

_“You’re pathetic.”_ Another cackled. Dan couldn’t make out very many. Though, what he could make out, was a large cat sitting in front of the TV. The animal had pitch black fur, it was fluffy looking but matted in several areas with what looked like blood or tar. The eyes were scooped out, leaving two black holes with dried blood around them. It was sitting like a lion about to pounce, and was just a tad bit smaller than one too. It stared at Dan with its hollow eyes and breathed, its rib cage disturbingly visible as if the cat had never been fed before.

“Hello.” It said. It’s voice was rough and strained and deep. Not deep as in Morgan Freeman, deep as in demonic sounding. Dan’s body went rigid. What the fuck. _What the fuck?_

“Who- What are you?” Dan asked in a terrified voice, stumbling over his words.

“Pazuzu.” The cat replied, letting its jaw go slack against the neck, the long and rotten tongue hanging out. Dan could vomit. “Well?” It egged on, speaking without moving its mouth.

“You- y-you’re not real.” Dan simply stated, shaking his head exasperatedly. His heart was pounding so hard he was afraid his chest was about to rip open.

_“I’m as real as you are, Daniel.”_ It replied. Before Dan could choke anything else out, more creatures formed. First there was a spider with wooden legs that was completely white and the size of a dinner plate, then there was an entity with its arm connected to the horns on its head with stitches that looked like they’d been picked at ruthlessly. 

Dan felt the gaze of every creature on the room staring at him, despite only one of them having eyes which were in the complete wrong place anyways. Dan was frozen, limbs locked and jaw clenched. His gaze was trapped on the creatures just standing a few meters away from him. He could feel the presence of others, which were mainly black clouds of fog and shadows in his peripheral vision.

To accompany the horrifying things stood in the room with him were loud voices and noises. Screams whipped at his mind, his thoughts were completely scattered and he couldn’t form words if someone had a gun pressed to his temple. He felt the room spinning, saw things moving out of the corner of his eye, watched items wade in and out of the walls and floor. He heard people speaking, they were loud. They were so loud and demanding and disgustingly mean.

_Stupid bitch._

_Fat cunt._

_Eat shit and die._

_Nuthead. You’re broken._

_No one loves you. Phil has someone more important than you._

The voices continued yelling at Dan and he couldn’t bear it. He was overwhelmed and terrified. He remembered sliding off of the couch and laying on his side, but he didn’t feel like he was the one who did that. He didn’t feel in control of his body, his emotions. He was helpless and his mind was cracked. Dan continued to sob on the floor, hands over his hears in an attempt to block out the noises, which proved unsuccessful as they were literally burrowed inside of his head. Dan didn’t realize he’d shut his eyes until he opened them again and the only thing he saw was a silhouette of a human in the corner of the room beside the TV.

Dan was so sick and tired of this already. Voices were still whipping in his head and he saw the silhouette grinning as it spat curses and demands at Dan. He couldn’t take it, he couldn’t. The voices wouldn’t shut up. They whipped at his ears and lashed around in his skull, making his head pound and his body ache. 

In a hazy state, Dan lifted his body up off the floor with all of his strength, grabbing his mug and chucking it at the wall. He watched the silhouette fade out of his vision. The spot where it once lurked was now vacant, and the once white walls had brown streaks of cold coffee splattered across it, as well as shards of glass on the floor.

The silhouette may have been gone, but the voices remained. Dan was pissed off beyond words. Everything hurt, he was trembling like a leaf, scared out of his mind. He didn’t know what was happening to him. It’s as if one day his brain suddenly decided to break, leaking out creatures he only saw in rare night terrors into the real world.

“Shut up!” Dan yelled once. The voices were quieter for a moment, but they got loud again quickly. Dan wanted to rip his own ears off. “Shut up! Fuck off!” Dan called again, voice breaking as tears spilled from his eyes and down his hot face.

“Dan?” Dan heard a voice call. It was different than the others, it was quieter, more real sounding. It was probably his mind playing tricks on him again, fuck this stupid brain.

“Stop talking! Stop fucking talking, it hurts!” Dan screamed once again, bringing his knees up to his chest, burying his head in his knees and covering his ears with his hands. “Shush, please!” Dans eyes were squeezed shut so tight he felt them begin to ache and tingle with sparks of pain.

Dan was too focused on the enormous voices to comprehend being navigated into someone’s chest. He only felt warmth on his back, arms wrapped around his torso, and his body being gently waved back and forth.

“Dan.” A voice outside of his head said. Was it real? How could he tell if it was real or not? _Fuck_, he hates this. Instead of replying he let out a high pitched whine, trying to curl in on himself, though the warmth behind him prevented him from doing so.

Before Dan knew it, the voices had dissipated. He was back in reality now. He could hear his heavy, rapid breathing, he could hear the soft shushes coming from the warmth behind him. He could feel his burning skin, he could feel the migraine that’d grown. Dan opened his eyes then, looking around. There were no creatures, no shadows, no black misty forms. Once Dan decided that the whispers at the base of his skull had left he brought his hands away from his ears too. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes which emitted a faint stinging through the sockets. 

“Dan? Are you back?” Dan heard from behind him and- oh _fuck. Shit. That’s Phil._ At the realisation of who it was that was holding him, Dan immediately tensed up and scooted out of Phil’s hold, not turning to face him.

“Dan, look at me.” Phil said in his best demanding tone which was actually shaky and unsure. Dan turned around so technically he was facing Phil but he kept his head ducked down. He wasn’t ready for eye contact now. He wasn’t ready for any contact right now actually. “Can you hear me now?” Phil asked again.

“Yeah.” Dan replied in a voice so small you wouldn’t be able to tell he’d said anything had it not been so quiet in the room.

“Look at me, please.” Phil pleaded. Guiltily, Dan met his worried eyes with his own scared ones. “Are you okay now?”

“I- yeah, I think so.” Dan responded with a cough. He sure hoped he was okay now, he might rip his own ears out if the voices start back up, or he’ll pluck out his eyeballs if he sees anything his mind conjured up in front of him again. 

“Do you want to come sit up on the sofa?” Phil offered in a caring tone. Dan responded only by nodding, taking Phil’s outstretched hands and sat down on the couch with trembling legs. This was a lot softer, more comfortable, and Dan really realised how tired he was now. As soon as his body sunk into the couch, his eyelids grew heavy and his body went lax.

“‘m tired.” Dan mumbled, opening his eyes to look at Phil who’d been staring at him the whole time.

“You can sleep, but we’re having a talk when you wake up.” Phil told Dan. That was enough for Dan and he was out like a light in mere seconds.

When Dan awoke Phil was still sat beside him, staring intently at his laptop which he’d apparently retrieved at some point while Dan was out. For some reason the thought of Phil being away from Dan made his gut wrench and his chest tighten.

Dan realised Phil didn’t know he was awake, so he only cracked his eyes open a bit, then flickering them over to his screen. He had several tabs open: one for DID, another for drug overdose, a psychotic break, one for psychosis and others for schizophrenia. Webmd, Wikipedia, Mayoclinic, NIMH were some sites Dan caught sight of. _Did Phil think he was crazy?_

Dan decided to officially wake up, so he closed his eyes fully once more, voluntarily stirred around a little and slowly opened his eyes. He didn’t miss how Phil quickly closed his laptop and pushed it away. Dan yawned, blinked, and turned to look at Phil whose lap his legs rested across. Phil looked back at Dan with a sympathetic expression.

“Hey.” Phil spoke first.

“Hi.” Dan replied. 

“Do you feel alright?” Phil asked again, pushing Dan to remember about the little conversation they were destined to have. Dan rested his head back on the sofas armrest and stared up at the ceiling for a moment.

“Yeah, just a bit groggy from sleep.” Dan replied, leaving out the part that his head felt like someone placed it underneath the wheel of a truck and that his body had a dull ache throughout it. Dan glanced down at the clock on Phil’s computer to see that it was now 11:50 in the morning. _Fuck, Phil hadn’t slept yet, had he?_

“You hungry? Thirsty?” Phil asked. Dan looked back at him and shook his head. “Dan.” Phil then said.

“Mhm?” Dan hummed.

“Promise you won’t lie to me?” Phil questioned.

“Yeah, I promise.” Dan said.

“Okay. What happened last night?” Phil asked, intently staring at Dan. He probably didn’t mean to make Dan feel so intimidated but honestly that was exactly how Dan felt then.

“I don’t know.” Dan replied. It wasn’t a lie, he really didn’t have a clue what that was or what he’d been experiencing was. 

“Well who were you telling to shut up then?” Phil questioned again. Dan felt vulnerable now.

“I don’t know.” Dan breathed out, he didn’t. This wasn’t a lie either, he didn’t know who he was telling to shut up. He only knew that there were voices in his skull that wouldn’t stop yelling at him, he didn’t know who they were.

“Why were you saying shut up?”

“It was too loud.” Dan stated vaguely. The more vague he was the less crazy he seemed. A nuthouse was the last place he wanted to be.

“What was too loud?” Phil questioned further.

“The noises.” Dan replied, silently pleading for Phil to drop this topic. How fucked up is it to have to psychically tell the voices in your head to shut up because they were yelling at you and spilling out into the real world so much that he couldn’t decipher if they were actually there or not?

“Noises? Was there drilling outside or something?” Phil asked, now more confusedly looking at Dan.

“No.” Dan replied.

“Why was there a smashed mug in the corner?” Phil asked, changing the subject to which Dan was as thankful as he could be in this situation. Well, for a moment he was until he knew he was going to have to somehow sugarcoat why he threw a half full mug of coffee at the damned wall.

“It was too loud.” Dan repeated himself from earlier, his eyes looking into Phil’s as if he was pleading for the older male to understand what he meant.

“What was too loud? Was it a person?” Phil questioned again.

“Yes and I don’t know. It was like… a shadow?” Dan said, unsure of himself. 

“You threw a cup of coffee at a shadow in the corner because it was too loud?” Phil repeated, his face screwed into an incredibly confused look.

“I- kind of, I guess.” Dan tore his eyes from Phil’s, opting to stare somewhere else. He noticed how the corner was cleaned up of any glass and liquid. “The shadow wasn’t loud. It was, but my head was loud.”

“Your head was… loud?” Phil asked. Dan nodded and quickly looked at Phil, then looking away and focusing on a spot on the carpeted floor. “What do you mean loud?”

“Like- I don’t know… a lot of noise. People.” Dan’s voice was noticeably quieter when he admitted that last bit. Phil noticeably paled a bit, looking a bit as if he’d just realized something. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment.

“You still want to meet with your therapist today?” Phil asked out of the blue. Dan considered it. She could help him, she could tell him what was wrong with him, but she could also probably ship him off to a ward. She could tell Phil that Dan was dangerous and Phil would no longer cuddle him or lightly shove Dan everytime he beat Phil in a game. Though, if Dan were to say no, he knew Phil would pester him about going. He really didn’t have a choice, did he?

“I guess so.” Dan mumbled, to which Phil nodded and beckoned Dan over to him. _Didn’t Phil know Dan was crazy? Why would he want to cuddle?_

“C’mere.” Phil said. Dan gave in and turned which way he was facing so he could rest his head in Phil’s lap. The elder just carded his fingers through Dan’s curly hair and traced shapes on his shoulder lightly with his index finger. Both men laid there and breathed, basking in each others presence. It was the moments like these that Dan really enjoyed. Everything was normal. Neither of them were YouTube celebrities, Dan didn’t hear loud voices or see deformed creatures, none of that came to mind in moments like these. It was just Dan and Phil then, long-term partners, both nerds just enjoying the others company. Dan lived for these moments. Who could blame him, really?

Several, long seeming minutes passed before Dan watched Phil reach over to presumably check the time on his phone. Phil let out a sigh and looked down sadly at the younger man in his lap.

“It’s thirty to one, you should probably go ahead and get ready.” Phil spoke, removing his fingers from Dan’s thick curls. Dan let out a groan of irritation, closed his eyes, and sat up.

Dan made his way back up to his bedroom, leaving Phil down in the living room begrudgingly. It was only when Dan was pulling on a hoodie that he realised he hadn’t showered in four days. In the mirror Dan stood in front of he was faced with reality. His hair was greasy and knotted in areas, his face was sunken, and he was skinnier than he remembered. _When was the last time I properly ate?_

Dan made a mental note to shower and eat as soon as he returned home. He also noted that he should probably head back downstairs to say goodbye to Phil before he left. Fixing his fringe and grabbing his phone, Dan made his way downstairs and into the lounge where Phil was. To his surprise, Phil was out cold. Dan just stood in front of the sofa for a moment and simply admired the sleeping man. His head involuntarily jerked a bit, causing Dan to remember what he was there for.

“Phil,” Dan said in a hushed voice, gently shaking Phil awake by his shoulder. The elder stirred but cracked his eyes open eventually. Admittedly, he wasn’t awake. Not fully at least. His eyes were opening and shutting like he was trying to keep himself awake.

“Mm– what?” Phil slurred out, obviously not aware of anything happening other than that someone was speaking.

“I’m off to the ol’ therapist now. You can go back to sleep I just wanted to tell you bye.” Dan said, locking eye contact with Phil’s dazed eyes.

“Okay.” Phil said. Dan could tell he wouldn’t remember a lick of this conversation when he was awake. He didn’t bother waking him up fully as Phil had spent the entire night researching Dan’s off behaviour and honestly if all Phil wanted right now was sleep Dan wouldn’t disturb him anymore than necessary.

Dan sighed contentedly and stood up from his squatting position. Phil had already fully passed back out by the time Dan had left the flat.


	3. Chapter 3

For a majority of the cab ride to his therapist Dan was zoned out, completely submerged in thought. His head pressed against the window pane and subconsciously watched as the buildings passed by, herds of people coming and going, storefronts and plant life flying by. To be honest, Dan forgot he was even in a cab at all. He forgot he was going to see his therapist and he had forgotten the reasoning for him visiting early. His mind was a whirlwind of TV shows and food and it was a refreshing sensation.

“Boy, this your stop?” The cab driver announced in loud, thick Welsh accent. Dan flinched and made eye contact with the man in the rear view mirror. Dan awkwardly coughed.

“Yes, sorry.” Dan responded, holding out a few bills for the cab driver. He felt the guys callused fingers make contact with his which sent a very uneasy feeling through his body. Easy to say, Dan had never clambered out of a car so urgently.

Dan watched as the cab pulled away before heading into the little clinic he was due in. Dan made his way inside the little building and shooting a polite smile at the receptionist woman. He made his way down the dimly lit hall and counted the doors on the right side of the hall, stopping at the fourth one. He knocked on the door and shuffled his feet while awaiting a response.

“Come in!” A woman’s voice said from inside. Dan made his way inside, immediately making eye contact with his therapist. “Dan, hi.” She said, waving him over to the sofa beside the chair she was sat in.

“Hi, Jenny.” Dan responded and flopped down on the sofa.

“Phil called me yesterday.” Jenny began.

“I know. He told me.” Dan responded. Jenny nodded.

“He says you’ve been off. How do you feel?” She asked.

“I… don’t know.” Dan pulled is bottom lip into his mouth to chew on it. How _did_ he feel? He didn’t feel depressed; that hollow, hopeless feeling that made rounds every once in awhile. He felt insane, anxious, on edge. He felt like he was disconnected from reality but feared that telling literally anyone would have him killed.

“Do you feel depressed or anxious?” She asked again with an encouraging smile.

“Depressed not so much but I feel kind of anxious, but that’s just, like, a part of it.”

“And ‘it’ is?” She beckoned Dan to elaborate.

“I’m not sure. I just feel like I’ve shifted dimensions or something. Things are happening that I never would’ve thought before.” Dan tried his best to explain while not exactly admitting his heard voices and saw imaginary creatures.

“Alright,” Dan watched as Jenny wrote something in her little notepad before looking back up at Dan. “So do you feel disconnected from reality?”

“Kind of, but not like disassociation or depersonalization.” Dan stated. _She was digging too deep. She was going to find out._

“So could you describe it for me then?” Jenny asked.

“I don’t know how. The best I could give you is that I’ve switched realities or someone has messed with my brain, if that even makes any sense.” Dan replied.

“Okay, I think I sort of understand what you’re getting at.” Jenny wrote more down on her notepad, furrowing her eyebrows a little as if she was racking her brain for a proper answer. “And how has your sleep schedule been as of late?”

“It’s… not been well. Sleeping at around five but waking up early, but then I sleep more during the day.” Dan said.

“Can you pinpoint around when it changed exactly?” She asked.

“It wasn’t too long ago, maybe four, five days.” Dan told her. Jenny nodded. Before the incident with the sludge, which left him awake at 5 AM, he’d been hearing minor fictional things. Those had caused him to lose quite a bit of sleep as well.

“Is there something that’s causing this or do you not know?” Jenny questioned.

“I think I know, but not exactly. I don’t know what it _is_, per say.”

“Explain to me what you’ve been experiencing then.” Jenny requested.

“I don’t know if I can.” Dan stressed. She was getting far too close to finding him out.

“Daniel, I’m afraid I’ve heard nearly everything. I won’t judge you, alright? I’m here to help.” Jenny smiled at Dan in an attempt to coax him into telling her what exactly was happening.

“I think I lost my mind.” Dan groaned, sliding down on the sofa so he was laying on his lower back. He heard the familiar writing sounds of Jenny’s pen.

“How do you figure?” Jenny questioned and Dan noticed how her voice had noticeably softened.

_“Don’t tell her you fucking idiot.”_

_“She’ll lock you up for sure, restrain you in a straight jacket.”_

_“You’ll spend the rest of your life in a mental ward. Maybe you’ll make friends with a manic.”_

_“If you tell her I’ll shoot you dead. Stab you.”_

Dan’s heart had skipped a beat when people began talking, threatening him. She wouldn’t do that, Jenny was nice. The people talking to him were mistaken no matter how believable they sounded.

“Oh- uh…” Dan briefly panicked, finding it hard to form words, let alone an explanation for why he was crazy, due to the whipping of whispers and white noise in his skull.

“Dan?” Dan faintly heard Jenny ask. It was quiet, very quiet. The sounds in his head were blocking all other sounds out. He didn’t even realised he was staring at her with a dazed expression.

_“She’s speaking to you.”_

_“Come on, answer her.”_

_”Why did you come here?”_

_“You’re fucked.”_

Dan was only just connected enough to see that Jenny was trying to speak to him.

“Daniel, are you feeling okay?” Dan managed to make out one of the things Jenny had said– or at least he thought that’s what she said.

“It’s loud, I’m sorry.” Dan squeaked out and quickly made his way out of Jenny’s office, stumbling a bit. After he slammed the door shut he heard Jenny shout for him but he kept running.

When Dan reached the front doors he glanced back to see if Jenny had followed; she hadn’t. He let out a little breath of relief and pushed the doors open, continuing to run once he was outside. His feet were hitting the pavement at such a rapid, hard pace he was afraid he was going to break them. He couldn’t stop though, he had to run. She couldn’t know about him. She couldn’t invade his mind, she wouldn’t take him away.

Dan paid no mind to the fact that he was running into people. He didn’t feel them, actually. He couldn’t hear them swearing at him. All he could hear was the pounding of his heart, and screaming voices in his head. His only instinct was to get away and hide. 

Dan’s chest heaved as he pushed his body to run far past it’s ability. His feet ached, his breath was ice cold, he was light headed and beginning to see spots. He was terrified and his legs felt weak, which was his ultimate downfall. Literally. 

Dan managed to run for only a few more seconds before his legs gave out and he was sent crashing to the ground. He was trembling like a leaf and he now felt a dull pain throbbing on his knees, hands and face where he’d met the concrete at full force. It took him a moment to gather himself up, sitting up on his knees and eyeing passerby’s. He could see an old man’s mouth moving indicating he was speaking to Dan but the latter could still only hear the screaming and pounding which was now accompanied by a sharp ringing.

“Sorry,” Dan spoke, his voice only a dull mumble that he could only barely make out. Dan began standing up on shaky and sore limbs when the man reached a hand out causing Dan to flinch.

_“DON’T TOUCH HIM!”_

_”RUN!”_

_“GET AWAY. KILL.”_

_“NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”_

The voices had flared up, overcoming the ringing. This was the worst they’d ever gotten, it was so loud and Dan felt tears pricking his eyes. Dan simply ignored the old man, standing up and quickly dashing away, to which his body resisted. He’d managed to turn a corner where a tight alleyway was. Dan’s legs gave out again and his whole body pulsed as he forced it to crawl into the alley, which wasn’t very large

Dan pulled his knees tightly to his chest once he hit the end of the alley. His head lolled back against the wall as he attempted to regain his breath, fading in and out of consciousness. The people in his head continued to shout at him. They were aggressive and threatening, they were loud. They were so fucking loud and Dan swore his head was about to bust open. His only thought was that they needed to shut up. 

“Shut up! Shut up! Fuck, stop talking! SHUT UP!” Dan squeezed his eyes shut and screamed back at the voices. He couldn’t hear his own voice shouting, the screams in his skull just got louder. They laughed at him and teased him, swearing at him and threatening him. Dan reached up, twisting his fingers in his hair and violently tugging. He felt strands ripping out as he pulled harder but that didn’t stop him. 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU’RE LOUD, IT’S LOUD!” Dan continued screaming. In fact, now he was screaming loud enough that he felt his throat burning, but he could hear his own voice. His breath hitched and he took a desperate intake of breath, then made the mistake of opening his eyes. In front of him he saw the shadow stood in front of him; the one from his episode the previous day. Dan felt it grinning, though he couldn’t see it happening. The screams in his head were muffled by the shadow now speaking to him.

“Stupid. Stupid psycho bitch. No one wants you, Phil doesn’t. Your brother doesn’t. I’m doing you a favor by standing here you know.” The figure hissed out at Dan. Dan could do nothing but stare up at it, frozen in fear, his body rigid. “Come on, pussy. Fight back. You know everyone wants you dead, do it. People are coming for you.” The shadow snickered evilly. Dan felt his vision go red, the raw need to kill this entity flooding his body.

“Don’t answer, I know what to do.” It said. Dan watched as it backed away, standing against a wall about a metre away from him. It paused, the voices low and buzzing in his head, but bearable. Then, the shadow dropped it’s jaw, and let out a piercing shriek. It was nonstop and louder than anything he’d heard before. Then the other voices started up again, those beginning to scream alongside the silhouette. Dan’s head felt like white noise, and every nerve in his body burned with anger and the overwhelming urge to murder the shadow creature.

Dan shot up, legs still wobbly, and dashed over to the wall where the shadow stood. He threw his fist towards it as hard as he possibly could, which resulted in fire shooting up his right arm in pain. He’d never been in this much pain, but he couldn’t stop. He had to get rid of the shadow. Dan continued punching the shadow, watching his hands simply cut through the shadow. He didn’t care that he wasn’t even doing any damage at this point, all he could focus on was the animalistic urge to continue to feel this pain. His hands and limbs were on fire, throbbing and pulsing from the amount of pain they were experiencing. He was seeing in tunnel vision, allowing him to see the caked blood on his hands and wrists when he glanced down.

Dan didn’t even realise he had been screaming or crying. He only realised such when the shadow disappeared and the voiced decreased in volume as a sense of being watched fell over him. Dan whipped his head around to see a lady stood at the very end of the alley, a phone pressed to her ear. They locked eye contact and Dan stopped screaming, heaving in deep breaths as he stared in shock at the woman. When she noticed he was staring at her Dan saw the fear flash through her eyes. He watched her speak into the phone frantically and backed away.

_“She’s tiny. You can easily kill her.”_

_“KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER!”_

_“She knows. RUN, QUICK!”_

Dan resisted the overwhelming urge to drag the woman down the alley and murder her. Strangle her, spit on her. Crack her fucking skull open and watch as her brain matter spilled out. Pick the skin off of her. It was tempting, but Dan knew how wrong that would be. He can’t kill, he isn’t a murderer. Plus, he has no idea how he’d get himself out of that situation. That would be the easiest murder case of the century. No doubt he’d be found out in a matter of hours.

Dan opted to make a run for it. He readied himself to run once again; he couldn’t trip. He couldn’t mess up or he’d be caught. He paid no attention to the people egging him to do something he’d regret, threatening him and making him aware of possible scenarios. He couldn’t listen to them now, he had to get out of here. The lady from before was, without a doubt, on the phone with some sort of emergency service. Dan noticed it was night now, if he got away at night it would be harder to be found. Or maybe it would be harder. He didn’t care.

Dan counted down from five before making a run for it. He felt his feet throb again from the pain he’d put on them earlier. He felt a stab in his chest. He felt the ache and sharp unadulterated pain coursing through his arms. It didn’t stop him, though. He kept going. Dan dashed of the alley, making a sharp turn right as soon as he escaped. He didn’t get very far as he went rigid upon seeing a small team of police officers and a few other people stood in front of him. His eyes shot open wider and he yelped, attempting to turn around before he felt an iron grip around his right arm, causing what he could only describe as the feeling of having his arm hit with his car to shoot through his arm.

Dan was aware of the people in his head making him freak out even more. They were yelling at him and insulting him, blaming him for everything and all he could do was take it. He couldn’t tell them off, to scream at them to just shut up already, for he was being guided a few feet away by a built policeman. He had to do his best to act normal like he wasn’t just beating the shit out of a silhouette that was just a brick wall in reality.

Dan was eased down onto the ground by the same police officer. Dan just stared up at the dark sky and distracted himself by focusing on how the sun was almost entirely gone. The voices roared in Dan’s head, making it extremely difficult for him to just ignore them. At this point he couldn’t decipher the real life talking from the talking and yelling going on in his head, and he was just so tired of it. His head was throbbing and his body ached, and in that very moment Dan wished he was dead. He didn’t want to hear the voices anymore and he didn’t want to hallucinate the terrifying beings anymore. He just so irritated with all the noise, he didn’t want to ever hear any noise again. 

Dan couldn’t stand it any longer. He need everything to be silent. He’d felt hands on his shoulders a few moments earlier, but now he had to get them off. He quickly sat up, scooting away from the group of people surrounding him. He watched as three men dashed over to him. The voices got louder as they got closer and the overwhelming urge to just rip his fucking ears off grew. So, before the men could reach him, he hurriedly brought his hands to his ears and began tugging at them, scratching them with his overgrown nails. He dug his nails into the skin as hard as he could, grabbing at his earlobes and yanking. The voices persisted though, they just wouldn’t stop. 

Dan hazily remembered his hands being brought down from his ears. There were several pairs of hands on him all holding him still. He wanted to move but he couldn’t, his body felt paralysed. 

Dan realised, briefly, that maybe his frozen and hazy state had something to do with a little pinch in his arm he felt, followed by cold veins and- oh. They’d drugged him. He should’ve known, he should’ve guessed they were going to knock him out and lock him up and this was how he was going to go. He would never see his boyfriend again, he would never make another pointless Youtube video all because he screamed at people who weren’t even real and beat up a brick wall. 

Dan only momentarily thought about how much of a crazy fucking idiot he was. The very next second the world went fuzzy and then completely black.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan awoke in a small, white room. He blearily opened his eyes several times, becoming a bit irritated at the smell of chemicals and latex burning his nostrils. Dan went to reach up to his eyes to wipe the sleep out of them when he felt he couldn’t move them less than a few centimeters. His heartbeat sped up and he whipped head down to look at what was restraining his hands. 

In that moment the past events came flooding back to him. There were leather cuffs restraining his hands to the edge of the uncomfortable mattress. His feet were given the same treatment, ankles cuffed in the same manor at the bottom corners of the bed. Of course, he’d been taken to a fucking hospital; restrained and alone. All because he lost his shit at a shadow and some random woman ratted him out.

Dan knew Phil had no idea where he was. He realised he hadn’t texted Phil a thing during this whole ordeal. Phil probably didn’t even remember Dan telling him he was leaving because he was half asleep, damnit. He needed Phil. All that mattered in that moment was that Phil came and saved him because Phil will know how to fix this. Phil fixes Dan, he keeps him calm and happy.

Dan looked around the room for any indication of a window or clock to no avail. Just plain white walls, a bare desk and a single chair. Even the clothes the, Dan assumed, workers here had changed him into were plain; a white t-shirt and grey sweats. Had no one in the damned place learned of proper decor and variation of color? Plus, Dan would’ve quite liked to see if it was an appropriate time to scream for Phil.

Dan had decided very quickly that if he couldn’t even get to see what time it was then the workers could bare with his next actions. Dan tugged one more time on the restraints, taking a deep breath and quickly inhaling and letting it all out.

“HELP! LET ME OUT! I WANT PHIL, LET ME OUT OF HERE!” Dan shrieked. He harshly tugged on the restrains, back arching up and head whipping around in an attempt to free himself, all the while continuing to scream bloody murder.

It took only a few short moments before Dan saw the door being swung open, two uniformed women walking in. One was wheeling a shelf cart in while the other one followed suit. The last to enter closed the door behind her. The two women’s presence was enough to silence Dan’s screams. Well, that and the obvious array of needles and other unrecognisable but threatening looking equipment that was gently placed on the cart.

“Hi there, Daniel.” One of the two women spoke. Dan continued to stare at her as if he hadn’t heard her say a word. “I’m Elise, this is Julee.” She slowly introduced herself and then the woman stood next to her. 

“Daniel, we request that you don’t scream as it disturbs other patients.” Julee said. Dans blood boiler. _He_ was disturbed. Fuck the other patients, they can manage. They’re batshit anyway, so what’s it gonna do? Make them jump a little?

“Cool. Fuck you,” Dan spat. “I want Phil.” In a sick way, Dan liked how both of them were both taken aback by his words.

“Right, okay. Who is Phil?” Elise asked, ignoring Dan’s little outburst to the best of her ability. Dan knew it was absurd but he wanted to scoff at her for not knowing who Phil was.

“For all you’re concerned Phil is the guy who’s going to take me home and away from here. Bring him.” Dan snarkily retorted. What did they care about Phil?

“We’ll work on that. Do you know why you’re here?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, ‘course I do. I punched a wall and screamed ‘n some girl called the whoever. I fell and got drugged by someone. Can I leave or can you get Phil here to take me home now?” Dan groaned, rolling his eyes.

“Mr. Howell, you were screaming bloody murder to no one and fractured all but three of your knuckles in your hands because you were fighting a wall. You tried to run away and one of our men had to come and knock you out before things got worse. I’m afraid we’re going to have to keep you under supervision to examine you. If everything goes well and it was just a one time thing you’ll be out of here in about a day.” Julee butted in.

“It was a one time thing… I was drunk.” Dan lied.

“You may not have been entirely aware but you were not drunk, Daniel. Oh, and don’t try the drugs excuse either, that’s also out of the question.” The same woman responded, smiling. God she made Dan’s blood boil.

“Where’s Phil?” Dan asked, switching subjects.

“We can’t tell you if we don’t know who he is.” The same lady said and Dan was still illogically irritated every time she mentioned the fact that she didn’t know who Phil was.

“He’s my flatmate.” Dan said.

“Okay, that’s a start. We’ll be keeping you under examination for the next few hours to see if you’re ready for a visitor. Would you mind giving us any information to help us contact him?” Julee asked.

“Call him, he doesn’t respond to emails until days after he’s received them. His number is 07278 487853.” Dan told her. He then realised he hadn’t even considered the fact that Phil had no idea what was going on. Dan thought about the shock in Phil’s voice when he would be told his boyfriend was restrained in a mental hospital. _I wonder what Phil will say_, Dan thought while holding back a grin.

“We’ll work on that.” Julee assured and signaled for Elise to write it down somewhere. Dan took his gaze away from the women and stared up at the ceiling. 

“Can you unshackle me?” Dan asked, tugging on each cuff and huffing out, again making eye contact with Julee and Elise.

“If you behave, but for now it’s for yours and everyone else’s safety.” Elise told Dan who responded with an exaggerated groan.

“I got mad in an alley and some lady called the cops, I’m not crazy.” Dan stressed. As seconds passed Dan only felt himself becoming more and more agitated. There was nothing more he wanted to do in that moment than to just go home and sleep everything away.

“If that’s the case then you should be free to go in three days tops.”

“It is.” Dan whined, giving a go at harshly tugging at his restraints again. “Can you bring Phil now?”

“As I said, Daniel, we will work on it. For now visitors are prohibited.” Julee butted back in, only fueling in the anger that’d began boiling inside of Dan. He took a deep breath then, clenching his fist several times over.

_“You know, yelling at the workers won’t help your case.”_ A voice told Dan. He whipped his head to the sides, searching for the source before locking eyes with Elise. Based on her pointed and confused stare he could tell that only he had heard the voice. He agreed with the voice in that moment.

“Are you alright?” Elise asked.

“Yes.”

Elise was skeptical but went along with it, but Dan took note of how Julee was writing on her little notepad again. She reminded him of Jenny in that moment. That sparked the question; had she rung Phil and told him what happened? If so, Phil must’ve chewed his nails to nothing from nervousness. Dan knew how Phil got when he wasn’t sure where Dan was or if Dan took too long to return home. In one instance the tube he was riding was delayed and he was stuck in a spot that had no service so he couldn’t text Phil. Dan got home two hours late to Phil curled up on his bed, flicking rubber bands at the wall to ease his nerves. 

“Okay, Daniel, we’ll be back in a short while to check up on you. Any questions, comments or concerns before we go?” Julee asked.

“Phil has anxiety and I’m sure he’d like to know I’m alive.” Dan plainly stated. “Also I’m hungry.” Dan said before he could process the thought. 

“We’ll ring Phil and bring you some food, yeah?” Elise said and Dan nodded. Dan didn’t know whether it was excitement or anxiety he was feeling jabbing his chest from the thought of Phil visiting. Dan also noted that Phil probably wouldn’t be more reassured about Dan when he finds out he’s safe, but also in a mental hospital.

The women left the room a moment later, leaving Dan all on his lonesome. He briefly considered lashing out again but as the voice had said before, screaming wouldn’t help his case. He needed to leave as soon as possible and shrieking for them to let him go probably wouldn’t speed up that process. 

Dan had begun to dread being a completely silent room as his mind always conjured up sounds and voices and the occasional hallucination. They were never big things like the time he saw all those creatures in the lounge or when he heard the silhouette being spitting harsh words at him. It was more of seeing a bug crawling up the wall that was bigger than a little household roach should be; the sound of paintings dropping even though he was looking at them and they didn’t move. 

Dan wondered briefly if the nurses would’ve played him some music or a film or something if he’d told them about what his mind does. That thought was beaten down harshly as he would surely not get out of here when he wanted. He couldn’t help but wish he had, despite his mind telling him that that was completely idiotic. As he heard more noises in the bland room the regret grew more and more. It started out small as it always does: Dan will hear some tapping on the walls or the ceiling, then that’ll progress to scratching, then that to hearing people shittalk him from outside his door. Eventually, it’ll progress to hundreds of voices screaming and chanting at him as his vision blurs and he sees hallucinations in his peripheral vision. 

Dan heart sped up when there was a banging on the wall, squeaking out of surprise. Surely someone wasn’t trying to get in with that level of aggression?

“Hello?” Dan called out to the empty room, voice echoing off the walls. The banging had ceased and he heard a low, slimy noise of tiny little insect legs crawling. Dan jerked his head as if trying to shake the noise out of his ear. The action obviously hadn’t worked.

The icky crawling noise only grew in volume. At first it had started as a noise he could only make out because it was dead silent in the room. It was just a bearable noise at the base of his skull. Slowly, the noise had began to get louder and he would occasionally see tiny insects on and around him. He’d blink and they’d disappear, but as the noise grew so did the amount he saw. Every time he saw a little brown or black spot crawling up his arm or a fingernail sized spider beside his body he instinctively went to go smack it or pull away. This time he was restrained. When he tried to lift his hand to smack the things away or jerk his leg to kick them away he was harshly held back by the leather cuffs around his wrists and ankles.

Dan knew he was in for it when he blinked and none of the insects or spiders disappeared. He immediately felt his heartbeat speed up, pounding louder. Being an arachnophobe as well as having the same fear of insects as an eight year old made him that much more terrified. Dan could only watch and uselessly struggle against the restraints as more and more spiders crawled on his body. At this point all the nasty little insects had gone, leaving his more major phobia to terrorise him. 

Dan waited only a short period of time before it got to be unbearable. He was trying to reason with his mind that it wasn’t real, that there was no way this could even be possible. His mind battled against him; if it wasn’t real then how was he seeing it and hearing it? To make matters worse, his limbs ached and burned from how hard he’d been tugging on the restraints. It didn’t take much longer before Dan snapped. Everything was too deafeningly loud and he was scared out of his mind and he didn’t know how or why there were so many spiders coating his body or the room.

“HELP! LET ME GO, GET THEM OFF!” Dan wailed, feeling his throat burn as he screamed, though he could barely hear it over the disgusting sounds of legs crawling. 

Dan continued to scream out pleas for help, yanking on the restraints with all of his will, twisting his body intensely. There was nothing he wanted more than to have the spiders off of him. He was crying and screaming for someone to help. It was so loud and distracting, in fact, that Dan didn’t even realise when the door swung open and two completely different doctors rushed in. His vision was blurred and was spotted with black clouds, all he could focus on was trying to get the cursed arachnids off of him. 

Dan violently flinched when he felt a strong hand grip his arm to the point where he couldn’t move it. He was only faintly aware of the bandage they were tightly wrapping around his upper arm, making his lower arm and hands go numb and cold. He couldn’t see the person holding his arm, nor did he even recognise that there was a second person in the room until he saw a hand injecting a needle into his arm.

Dan continued to scream and twist and pull for only a few short seconds before he became overwhelmingly tired and groggy. His eyelids grew heavy and he fought against it, still weakly tugging his limbs before succumbing to sleep.

Dan awoke with a sore body and a pounding head. He huffed out a breath of pain before slowly blinking his eyes open. He was confused at first but once his eyes adjusted he remembered where he was. Still, the events that happened before he went to sleep hadn’t been fully recovered. All he knew was that there were a lot of spiders involved and that he did not like that.

“Daniel.” A woman’s voice said. Dan lazily turned his head to see the source of the voice. He discovered it was just Elise again who offered him a little smile and nodded downwards. Dan followed her movements to see a little platter with a plain sandwich on it, prompting Dan to remember just how hungry he was, to which his stomach let out an embarrassingly audible rumble. “Hungry?” She giggled, obviously trying to lighten the mood. Dan groggily nodded.

“Yeah.” Dan said in a deep and raspy voice, fresh from his slumber. “How do I… eat?” Dan slurred out and squinted his eyes in confusion. Apparently he was more tired than he thought.

“I’ll have to feed you, sorry. Safety reasons.” Elise told Dan to which he let out an exaggerated groan. To be quite honest he understood why she had to keep him restrained. His episode earlier was probably an even larger indicator that he wasn’t stable. 

Dan had begrudgingly accepted the first bite of the sandwich, chewing slowly. He ate quickly after that, desperate to have any food in his empty stomach. When he finished he was displeased to find that he was still painstakingly hungry but he was far too stubborn to have someone else feed him. 

“I want Phil now.” Dan stated blandly, looking away from Elise.

“You’ll most likely get to see him tomorrow morning if everything goes well. He would’ve come today but due to the incident from earlier we have to keep you isolated for a bit longer. And for the record, we have contacted him and he is aware of the situation.” Elise told Dan.

“How’d he sound? Was he scared or disappointed or what?”

“He was calm. Shocked, but calm. It’s alright, Daniel, he wanted to visit as soon as possible.” Elise reassured Dan who had immediately become more relaxed afterwards.

“What time is it?” Dan asked in a much calmer tone.

“Seven.”

“What is there to do in here? All I’ve done is slept and– uh– the other thing.” 

“A lot, but since you’re restrained for the time being your options are limited. We have a little TV I can bring out for you and a radio that plays classical music and white noise.” Elise informed. Dan was verging on the edge of literally dying of boredom (or so he’d like to think).

“TV I guess. I don’t want it to be quiet in here anymore.” Dan requested. Elise nodded and Dan watched her intensely as she made her way over to a desk on the opposite side of the cramped room. She opened a drawer and pulled out a small TV that was about the size of an A3 sheet of paper.

Once she switched the TV on Dan’s eyes immediately fell on one of the show options, Adventure Time, and blurted it out. She clicked on the show and, unsurprisingly, it wasn’t very loud but Dan guessed he could bear.

When Elise had finished setting up the TV, she made her way over to the door. She began opening the door to leave when she turned around to Dan.

“I’ll be back in an hour to ask you some questions.” She said and left before Dan could respond, gently clicking the door closed behind her.

Dan’s attention returned to the cartoon playing softly on the TV, completely engrossed besides the occasional growls his stomach let out. Occasionally he’d hear a whisper or see something move out of the corner of his eye, but he ignored it and completely disregarded it. He had to hide that his mind was doing the thing again; he had to keep up this façade for Phil.

Before Dan knew it Elise was back with another man following suit. _Had it already been an hour?_ Dan thought. He could’ve sworn it’d only been ten minutes. Though maybe it wasn’t because he remembered being snapped out of a trance like state when he heard the door opening. 

“Hello again, Daniel.” Elise greeted with a smile. 

“Hi.” Dan responded, eyeing the other man who was now stood behind Elise. He was tall, but certainly not taller than Dan, and had dull brown eyes with long blond hair put up in a bun. Dan could see the shadow of his beard which only added to the man's masculine appearance. 

“Daniel, this is Dr. Chavez. He will be taking notes during the questioning, if you want to you can just ignore him.” Elise spoke. Dan just looked at Dr. Chavez, taking him in a bit more before tearing his gaze away to look back at Elise. 

Dan watched as Elise brought a chair beside his bed and sat down, keeping Dr. Chavez in his peripheral vision. He wearily glanced at her and then quickly at Dr. Chavez, taking a moment to bask in a little feeling of embarrassment that he was restrained on a bed in a mental hospital in front of such an attractive man. Not that he’d make a move; Phil was most certainly his number one. 

“Okay, are you ready?” Elise asked. Dan nodded. “Name?”

“Daniel James Howell.”

“Date of birth?”

“June 11th, 1991.”

“Place of birth?”

“Wokingham, U.K.”

“Sex?”

“Male.”

The questions continued on, becoming more intrusive and personal as they came. Dan didn’t like it one bit. Every time a little voice would whisper to him that Elise and Dr. Chavez are here to harm him he tried his best to repress it, reminding himself that he was doing this for Phil. Dan was struggling to pull through and answer the questions as she went on and he knew it was noticeable.

The questions made an uneasy feeling seep through Dan’s core. The wave of insecurity and the need to be completely alone overcame him and quite honestly he felt like crying. Two people in his room was too much; all he wanted was Phil. He’d promised himself, though, that he’d get through this. All he wanted was to see Phil and in order to do that he needed to cooperate, no matter how harshly the little voices in the cracks and corners of the room denied the fact.

“Did you live with both or one parent as a child? If not, who?” Elise asked again and Dan harshly sighed. He was tired, what could he say.

“Both.” Dan replied in a flat, robotic tone.

“As a child was your home nurturing?”

“No, not really.”

“Abusive?”

“No.”

“Rigid?”

“No.”

“Loving?”

“Once in a Blue moon.”

“Supportive?”

“I didn’t have anything for them to be supportive of.” Dan huffed out with a sad laugh. He barely passed his classes and played video games all day while his younger brother won photography and sports awards. He could guess who his parents preferred.

“Stressful?” Elise chose to ignore Dan’s previous comment but he saw how she frowned a little.

“No.”

“Were you harshly disciplined?”

“No.”

“Was there little discipline present?” 

“Yep.” Dan responded and felt how dry his mouth and throat had become. 

“We’re almost finished, now. Just a few more questions, okay?” Elise reassured Dan with a smile. He nodded and felt relieved. He didn’t even know how long they’d been doing this for. “Okay, have you graduated high school and or university?”

“Graduated high school, dropped out of uni.” Dan felt a bit exposed when he said that.

“How were you academically?” 

“Pretty average I guess.”

“Alright, last question now,” Elise smiled at Dan encouragingly. “Is there, or do you know of any history of mental illness, mental retardation or substance abuse within your family? If yes, please describe one or a few.”

“Yeah. One of my uncles was bipolar and, if I remember correctly, my great grandma developed catatonic schizophrenia in her later years.” Dan answered, feeling a sense of relief throughout his body as the questioning finally came to a closing point. 

“Great job. Thank you for cooperating. We’ll be back tonight to come check up on you before bed, alright?” Elise said, standing up with Dr. Chavez doing the same.

“Okay.” Dan breathed out. Dr. Chavez exited the room before Elise who was un-pausing the TV, before she followed suit without another word.

Dan awoke, mind hazy and vision blurred. Once again, he took in his surroundings and remembered everything that had happened in the previous days. Though, not the previous night. Dan was sure he’d fallen asleep as he couldn’t remember Elise or anyone else ever returning; especially considering the TV was now switched off.

Dan pulled at his limbs again, feeling a wave of irritation and anger ride through him as they were jerked into place by the restraints. Honestly, at this point it was ridiculous for how long he’d been restrained now. So what if he freaked out a little? They’d seen and dealt worse.

Dan guessed his morning routine was to wake up, remember, get mad about his limited movement, and then scream. They really should implement some kind of button to alert someone he was awake so he didn’t have to scream to let someone know. Especially considering he had no idea was time it was. For all he knew it could either be 3AM or 2025.

Dan sighed and let out a loud scream. It lasted for only a few short seconds before the door was opened by a woman he’d never seen before. She was plump and had an almost motherly feel to her.

“Shh, hon.” The woman said, resting a gentle hand across Dan’s chest. She continued on shushing him, switching to gently stroke his shoulder until Dan had gone quiet. “Are you okay now?” Dan nodded.

“What time is it?” Dan asked, staring the woman down as she glanced down at her wristwatch.

“8 AM, dear. Would you like me to get Elise?” She said with a smile. Dan quietly prided himself on his timing.

“Yes please.” Dan responded. Before the woman left she threw Dan a quick smile and nodded.

Dan waited for what felt like hours (though it probably wasn’t much longer than five minutes) before the door was opened. He immediately knew what he wanted once he saw Elise in the doorway, chestnut hair in a neat bun atop her head. _Phil._

“I want Phil now.” Dan stated without even a hello. He was promised Phil.

“Hello to you too. We’ll call him and get him here.” Elise told Dan, then smiling. As close as the time was for him to actually see Phil again he was still frustrated for having to wait a second longer. Suddenly, Elise clapped her hands together and smiled at Dan. “In other news, you’re ready to be unshackled. Though, for yours and others safety you’re still going to have to remain roombound for a while.”

“Oh thank god.” Dan sighed out, his tightly wound chest feeling much more free.

Elise just smiled at Dan, pulling a keychain from her belt. Dan intently watched as she searched through the bundle of keys before gripping one small one and making her way over to Dan. She squatted down beside Dan to his right, unshackling his right wrist and ankle. Immediately, Dan whipped the limbs up, twisting and moving them around which, disturbingly, let out pops and cracks. Dan didn’t mind; he was happy to have some control back. 

When Dan was completely unshackled and finished popping and cracking his limbs he sat up in the bed, to which his back cracked and he winced. Dan pulled his legs into a criss-cross sitting position, back hunched as his bent his elbows, completely ignoring the woman in the room. 

“Daniel, we’re gonna contact Phil for you. If you need anything like breakfast or a staff member just walk out; you’ll see it. Sound good?” Elise said, catching Dan’s attention once more. Dan nodded with a feeling of excitement flowing through his body at the sound of Phil’s name.

Elise had left shortly after that, leaving Dan alone but free in this little room. Once Dan was sure she’d gone he made his way out of bed. He wouldn’t miss the scratchy hospital sheets and stiff mattress too much. Dan noted how the room was small; not much larger than his bathroom back home. The walls were white and bare save for the odd sticker or painting. The floor was a light, birch color and adorned a few mysterious stains that Dan quickly decided he’d rather leave be. 

Dan concluded that the room was one of the worst he’d ever been in. First of all, he had been restrained in the bed there for however many hours. The comes the fact that the room was devastatingly bare and white. Seriously, the most decorative thing in the room was a chair in the corner that had a golden flower design to it. To be fair there was the dresser with a wide array of childish stickers on it but that came in second place because a majority of the paint was chipped.

Dan stopped with his judgment and giggled at the absurdity of the situation. Here he was: a 28 year old man in a _mental ward; critiquing the interior design_. Of all the things he could or should be doing right now and he was rolling his eyes over some chipped paint while his life was possibly falling apart. 

Dan shook his head and dropped the sick smile off of his face. He really shouldn’t be laughing at that. In fact, his mind wouldn’t process how his life could literally be in the process of shattering. The life he’s worked his ass off for for the past 10 years could be completely falling to pieces because of something wrong with _him_ and he’s _laughing_ at the fucking decoration in a mental ward. Was he really that fucked up? Dan told himself that wasn’t so; he was just a bit different than others. And even that was a maybe.

Dan glanced around the room for a final time. He would’ve said he took everything in but there wasn’t really much to take in, honestly. How had he survived in this room for this long? Even when he wasn’t restrained he was bored out of his mind and would honestly rob a petrol station for fun at this point. It was then that Dan realised he didn’t know where his phone was. He vividly remembered slipping it into the pocket of his jeans when he first left for his appointment with Jenny, but he was wearing sweatpants now, so where was it?

Dan jerked his head around and eyed every possible area his phone could’ve been. For starters, maybe it was in the bedside drawer. Or maybe it was in one of the two drawers in that dresser with the terrible paint job. He dug through the bedside drawer to no avail. All he found was several empty notepads and a pen that definitely ran out of ink a long time ago. He wasn’t expecting much from the two dresser drawers and he was met with just what he expected. Nothing except a few pieces of random junk.

Dan considered briefly that someone might have taken it. That was the most plausible answer. He remembered reading somewhere that certain places confiscate your phone for whatever reason it may be. Dan remembered Elise saying that he could just walk out if he needed anything but was his phone really that important? Phil was hopefully coming soon and he would most likely have his phone on him. Dan assumed finding Elise or another staff member was for emergencies only.

Dan gave up on attempting to get his phone. He let out a deep breath and laid down in the center of the cold, tiled floor. He stared up at the ceiling, mind completely blank now. His eyes were half lidded and his body was limp like a snow angel on the ground. It was scary how fast he was able to lose his grip on reality.

The door opened and Dan nearly jumped up and out of his skin, mind being violently dragged back into reality. He let out a little grunt of discomfort as he pulled his arms to his chest and sat up, feeling his back pop and his arms cramp with the sudden change of position. He turned his head to the door then and immediately his body filled with excitement and relief. _Phil._


End file.
